Why All The Secrecy?

23Jun08

Shame About Being Fat
The answer’s at least partially obvious. Shame.

I’m ashamed that I let myself get this far gone.

I’m ashamed that I’ve tried dieting before and failed.

I don’t want to tell people that I’m dieting because then I feel that my success or failure is judged by them. I feel like I’m the center of attention, like I’m on display or possibly mocked.

I don’t want to hear “How’s the diet going?” or “I really don’t know why you bother.”

I don’t want to feel that awful sense of obligation to other people.

I want to diet for me, and I don’t want to have to worry about what other people think, and what other people’s opinions on my method of dieting are.

I want to say I don’t care, but I do. It does affect me every time someone says something about my weight. I feel depressed, and totally de-motivated by it, and will often stop a diet out of pure spite just because someone said something that was intended to be inspirational or helpful.

Shame About Being Thin
The other thing? Some of you may already be thinking it.

“Size 14 is my GOAL weight! What’s the scrawny woman doing complaining about her weight? What must she think of me, if she considers herself fat?”

Stop it. Seriously. That goes doubly for me.

Why should I be ashamed to diet because I’m not yet grossly obese? Why should I be ashamed to post this in my personal journal, just because I have other overweight friends who may be offended by my desire to diet?

I am ashamed of being fat, and yet ashamed of being not fat enough?

Sure, maybe I won’t understand everything that someone who has upwards of 70 pounds to lose is going to go through. But damnit, that doesn’t mean I should be ashamed of DIETING.

I shouldn’t be afraid to say what I think because someone wants to sneer at me and declare my weight loss goals insignificant.

It’s hard. it’s hard if you have twenty pounds to lose and it’s hard if you have 70 pounds to lose.

The same thought processes, the same desires and cravings and problems are going to happen.

I never promise that this blog is going to have all the answers for you. I’m hoping to use it to FIND the answers for me, through trial and error.

If some of those answers also work for you, then I am super-happy for it.

But I’m tired of being afraid of telling people that I need to lose weight.

I am overweight. I may not yet be obese, but I’m obviously headed that direction.

Anger
I’m tired of feeling ashamed. All that does is make me feel bad about myself and about dieting and about eating. It’s a depressing feeling.

So if you have a problem with the fact that my first target weight is small – that I’m overweight and not obese – that I want to tackle my issues before they become incredibly difficult mountains to climb – then go somewhere else.

I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want your negativity and I don’t need you trying to make me feel bad.

And again, that goes doubly for me.

I am done being ashamed, and instead I’m being angry.

I’m angry with myself for letting it go this long. I’m angry with myself for knowing better and doing it anyway. I’m angry with myself for allowing my worries about other people keep me from doing something I need to do.

I need to stop with the shame. I won’t post in my personal journal because I don’t want to allow other people to make me feel bad, nor do I want to make anyone around me feel bad.

But, by god, I am going to make this work, and the very first step I need to take is to stop being ashamed of dieting.

Anger feels a lot better than shame.

Forgiveness
*takes a deep breath*

And the second step needs to be me forgiving myself for all of that. My reactions were perfectly normal and understandable, but they are self-destructive.

It does me absolutely zero good to feel bad about my weight, unless it drives me to diet. And you know what? It never has. Every time I feel bad about my weight, I end up getting depressed, feeling defeated, and eating something bad for me.

It does me no good to feel bad about what other people might think about me going on a diet. If they are overweight themselves, and my dieting makes them feel bad somehow, that’s not my fault. I am allowed to improve myself without feeling as though I am somehow obligated to remain fat just to make other people happy.

I want to do this. I want to be a healthier person, and I am tired of letting myself and other people get in my way.

A Letter To Myself

Dear Me,

I forgive you for letting shame hold me back. I know that being concerned about other people is a good quality to have, but I don’t have to let it rule my life or keep me from doing something that I know is right.

I’m sorry I let this go on for so long, and I’ll do better in the future.

I love you, Self, and I promise, we’re both going to be a lot happier in the future.

Love,
Me

Advertisements


No Responses Yet to “Why All The Secrecy?”

  1. Leave a Comment

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: