In Which I am Victorious


Negative Me : You know, you didn’t lose any weight last week.

Positive Me : Well, yeah, but I’d been lazy. And lax.

Negative Me : You call that lax? You didn’t eat any of those donuts, you totally turned down the birthday cake that someone actually brought TO YOUR DESK – you didn’t get Chinese Food, you didn’t buy any of the snacks and treats I told you to when you went to the grocery store. You were practically a saint!

Positive me : *crosses arms* Yes, I call that lax. And especially lazy. I didn’t get very much weight lifting done, yet I told myself it was a good replacement for the jogging and afternoon walking. I knew better.

Negative Me : Pfft. No. See, the truth is that those first 15 pounds? Those were the ‘water weight’ that everyone keeps talking about. You lost those without even trying really hard, didn’t you? Two weeks of good food and a bit of walking and jogging and you thought you were Little Miss Healthy, didncha? Well, look at you now!

Positive Me : *shame* Okay, so yeah, I did feel really good about that weight. And yeah, it came off really easily – it probably was water weight. But I just need to try harder…

Negative Me : Ha! Try harder? You’re already waking up a full hour earlier than you used to! I keep telling you – those blankets and pillows are comfortable! Seriously, just imagine the bliss, the comfort of rolling back up in your down blanket for a whole nother hour! And for what do you trade this? RUNNING? Are you insane? You don’t even like running!

Positive Me : Well, not the running itself, no, but I do feel better during the day. More energetic.

Negative Me : Ha! Drink an extra cup of sugary coffee, you’ll get the same effect.

Positive Me : Actually, no, we’ve tried that before, and though it works sometimes, I tend to really feel awful in the afternoons–

Negative Me : Hush! It works, I’m telling you. Besides, what do all these omelets and cabbage dinners and cauliflower meals get you, anyway?!

Positive Me : Um. Healthy food that tastes a lot better than Macaroni and Cheese?

Negative Me : *frowns* That’s not what I…what about the cookies! I know you miss the cookies. Ooey gooey, fresh from the oven!

Positive Me :  I can still have cookies.

Negative Me : No you can’t.

Positive Me : I can’t have a LOT of cookies, no. But I can have some, sometimes. I just have to realize it’s going to set me back.

Negative me : Restraint, Schmestraint! COOKIES!

Positive Me : La la la, not listening.

Negative Me : Fine, but look. Seriously. 0 pounds lost. And here we are, halfway through the next week, and that little needle doesn’t look like it’s moved much.

Positive Me: *nervous* Well, it’s a really old scale. It’s not like it’s precise or anything.

Negative Me : *triumphant* Seriously. Go back to bed. Hit the snooze button a few more times. What you’re doing isn’t working. If you want, I’ll even let you make that awesome Asian Pork and Cabbage recipe when you’re not on the diet.

Positive Me: No! I’m going to try this.

Negative Me : Fine, fine. But you’re going to fail.

Positive Me : Shut up!

Negative Me : Oh, stepping on the scale this morning. Ah, naivete…hey, wait. What was that?

Positive Me :  Did you see that?! Four pounds! Four pounds! *sings*

Negative Me : *voice getting quieter* You know you’re going to gain some of it back this weekend. And you know you’ve still got at least 16 more pounds to go before you hit your FIRST goal. What about your second goal! That’s even farther away!

Positive Me : Four pounds! Four pounds! It’s working, it’s working.

Negative Me : *temporarily ignored*


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